babies ruin marriages.

by Liz on 07.27

 (via Love Me Do)

I’m writing this week about all of the ways that Babies Are Scary. Catch up by reading about how  Staying Home All Day Is Scary, or start at the beginning and let me know what scares you about babies.

A few months into pregnancy- just long enough that I was hormonally crazy, but not too long that I was yet over my hyperventilating fear of having a baby- I was washing dishes while Josh finished some work on his computer. A song came on the radio, and Josh snuck into the kitchen, swept me into his arms, and we did a corny slow dance, my face nuzzled in his neck.

Eventually, he (not as oblivious as I often think) noticed that I was quietly sobbing, my mascara running down his t-shirt.

“What’s wrong?”

“I don’t want anything to chaaaange…” I blubbered through snot and tears.

Your typical preggo prepares for Baby by stocking up on diapers, or by socking away bits of money. Yours truly spent every last cent on fancy dinners with the husband- each one treated as if it was our last meal.

In a sense, we thought it was.

See, as soon as you find out you’re pregnant, everyone begins to warn you of the impending doom of your marriage. They say the romance dies, you never have sex again, you forget what your husband even looks like.

IGNORE THESE PEOPLE. 

Our relationship and yes, sex-life even, has changed since having a baby- I’ll admit it. But really only in that we’re way more intentional in making time for one another. And as a result, we spend time together (“quality,” couple-time) MORE than we did BEFORE the baby. Just because we’re conscious that there’s the propensity to fall out of the habit.

More than intentionality, having a baby around does a few other things for your marriage.

For one, we now share yet one more special thing in our lives. We could both sit and watch him sleep or gush to one another about the size of his toes- and neither of us would ever get bored, because we both understand the immensity of love for our boy. That’s something that just the two of us share.

There’s also a new element of… excitement, I guess, to use a cheesy word. We love each other, and we’re still crazy hot (don’t act like you didn’t notice), so sometimes Little Josh falls asleep and Josh shoots me an eyebrow, and we race off to… ahem… spend time together before nap-time ends. This means time and place are often irrelevant, and adds to- instead of detracting from- spontaneity. (and even a sense of sneaking around like teenagers, minus the dire consequences)

We still go out to places, just the two of us, but I’ll admit that it’s more rare. Don’t get me wrong- we go to all of the same places we used to, we just usually lug along the little one (I told you, they’re portable). Cute cafes or fancy restaurants aren’t off limits- just grab an outdoor table and push up the stroller. So, when we DO go just the two of us, the rare-ness makes it extra special- in an “absence makes the heart grow fonder” kind of way.

Sure, babies are gonna change your marriage- but I don’t see why everyone acts like the changes are bad. Just like a big move or competing work schedules or anything else that might occupy your time, it’s just one more reason to focus on really making an effort with one another.

you may also like::

  1. weddings and babies.
  2. babies are scary.
  3. being home all day is scary. (or, i don’t want to lose myself)

Your Comments | Add a Comment

Carrie says:
Jul 27, 2011 7:17 am

I love this series and this post is my favorite one yet. Thanks so much, this is just what preggo me needed to read.

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Zan says:
Jul 27, 2011 7:52 am

As someone who just came off a "having kids was so hard" week and who also desperately wants babies, I love this. We've talked about waiting because we're scared of not having enough "us" time. We were only together for 2 years when we got married and I've definitely let the fear of "omg babies ruin your LIIIIVVVEESSS" seep in here and there.

Thanks for this!

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Christy says:
Jul 27, 2011 9:06 am

You give me so much hope for what is yet to come!!! Loved this.

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Caitlin says:
Jul 27, 2011 9:16 am

It's probably good advice to generally ignore doomsayers in general… these "babies ruin your lives" people are probably the same ones who said "just wait til the honeymoon's over", yes?

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meghan says:
Jul 27, 2011 9:53 am

Those naysayers piss me off. Eric and I debated about having a kid for a year or two, and what it finally came down to, seriously, was running through the list of things that we like to do and realizing that pretty much everything on the list could be done with or modified for a baby.

Good thing as we have 8 weeks until baby girl!

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Shannon says:
Jul 27, 2011 9:57 am

I love this post more than you possibly know.

I needed to hear that today. Thank you.

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Julia says:
Jul 27, 2011 11:47 am

I'm loving these posts! I've come down with the "baby bug" recently and can't wait to be a mommy. Thanks for helping dispell some of the fears associated with motherhood and staying at home. Still, I'm worried about the childbirth process, giving up my independence (you can't go back!), and finances. We are still trying to decide "when"…

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Lira says:
Jul 27, 2011 12:57 pm

Oh, thank you so much for these. We've been together almost six years and the baby bug is happening to both of us pretty badly.

I too, am worried about the incredible change; as both of us are freelancers and it's hard to budget without a salary.

A lot of our friends are having children and I've been noticing a lot of what you wrote: they really do have this immeasurable amount of joy in their lives now, and are always happy.

I've got about another five years or so to really figure this out, so this is very helpful.

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analisems says:
Jul 27, 2011 1:55 pm

Good stuff. Thanks for telling it like it is! Nice to hear that there are alternatives to the "inevitable" resentment.

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Anonymous says:
Jul 27, 2011 3:08 pm

I've had the same meltdown almost weekly for the last month and I'm SO THANKFUL for this series. I love hearing a positive alternative to the (mostly sh*tty) cultural narrative surrounding marriage and motherhood.

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jolynn says:
Jul 27, 2011 4:05 pm

<3

Not only is this series so necessary, but incredibly well-written.

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Colleen says:
Jul 27, 2011 10:50 pm

Yep, once again, this post needs to be printed on billboards & shouted from rooftops! Our experience (with an 11-month old) has been much the same as yours. Now anytime we're alone together, it's a date! (And we still have regular, planned dates as well.) And *exactly* about increased spontaneity of sex! Way more this; way less of the "you'll seeeeeee"s, yes? (Yes.)

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Cate Subrosa says:
Jul 29, 2011 2:50 pm

Oh, Liz, I love you this week. YES.

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Anonymous says:
Aug 10, 2011 9:05 am

Your blogs and your posts are the most wonderful counterbalance to the histrionic melodrama from other baby/wedding blogs. I so appreciate the fact that you don't try to attract attention by pretending that having a baby or getting married is the equivalent to getting your limbs amputated.

Roll with the changes. Life goes on. Don't cling to your old life like it's the only way you can be happy.

– A dude whose fiance reads a lot of baby/wedding blogs.

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