piecemeal.

by Liz on 11.14

“It must be nice to know who you’re staying with forever and what you’re doing with your life,” a friend sighed.

I almost laughed out loud.

For most of my life, it seemed like there was a clear progression. I think it’s a result of the endless schooling. You go to school, you graduate, you go to college, maybe you get your master’s, you graduate, you find a good job… I lived for a little while on a sort of lovely autopilot.

Now, there’s no clear progression. I feel like now, more than ever, I don’t know what next. We live from day to day- hoping that tomorrow, someone will call with a job offer. Maybe tomorrow we’ll know “what next.”

For a few weeks, we’ve wrapped ourselves in the little bubble of our tiny family. We stay huddled in our apartment- partially out of necessity (we don’t have money or gas, and Little Josh has had a sniffly coughing thing), but partially out of hoping to avoid the harsh world that keeps knocking us back. Mounds of comfort food and endless Netflix cushion us. It’s like a distorted version of our dream life- as though viewed in a splintered mirror. I don’t need to kiss Josh goodbye in the morning any more- but I also don’t know when I’ll be able to buy groceries next.

The Plans- they fall by the wayside. Children, travel, moving are no longer possible on the original timeframe. The Plans are scratched out again- but this time, not rewritten. It’s hard to know what to plan for next month when you’re not quite sure about tomorrow.

My friend was right on the one part- there is a constant. Josh. And now, even, Little Josh. We may be unsure of where we’re going and how we’re getting there, but there’s an odd comfort in knowing that we’re lost together. It almost seems as if the rest doesn’t matter.

 

 

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Your Comments | Add a Comment

Siobhan says:
Nov 14, 2011 8:59 am

I’m hoping your situation imporves soon and glad you have each other.

I know you are staying in as you have no money, BUT if you cna find a friend to take little Josh and get out together to a soemwhere with free entry and be a couple together and not thinking about the future or uncertainty take that moment. Or if no one will take little Josh, do this iwht all three of you.

You seem to be handling this as well as you can, but I know when it goes on for a while it can ebcome a cloud you live under, and fidning an escape from the cloud can be the way you keep toegther, and keep rememberign why you are all in this toegther.

Of course, if this does not work for you, feel free to disregard my advice. I don’t know you and you don’t know me. But it has worked for me and other close friends who have been in similar situations so I am passing it on, as it was passed on to me.

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liz says:
Nov 14, 2011 9:04 am

That’s really good to keep in mind- thanks, Siobhan!

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Rachelle says:
Nov 14, 2011 9:32 am

Oh Liz. Hang in there. You guys are so smart and resourceful that I know you’re going to get it figured out eventually. I agree with Siobhan that it might help to get out and do something free but that feels more “normal”. Can you do another picnic or is it too cold there already?

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liz says:
Nov 14, 2011 9:52 am

Yes! We had a picnic the first week of Unemployment Crisis: 2011. And last week, we went to an orchard and splurged on hot cider and fed some animals at the petting zoo. We’re not hermits, I guess, haha. We’re just home. Alot. Or maybe it seems that way only because all three of us (plus Sal) are packed in here?

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Lisa says:
Nov 14, 2011 9:44 am

I just wish there was something I could do for you.

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liz says:
Nov 14, 2011 9:53 am

Oh no! I didn’t write about it to make people worry.

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Lisa says:
Nov 14, 2011 10:10 am

I know. Just the mom in me. I am sure you will be fine.

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Erin says:
Nov 14, 2011 10:00 am

Hold on to hope! Things are going to work out for you guys, and they’re going to be better than before. I’m positive. Also, did you know the Philly Museum of Art does pay-what-you-can First Sundays? Even if all you can pay is a nickel, they still let you in to stare at the Calder Mobiles.

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Beth says:
Nov 14, 2011 11:16 am

Odd how it feels when the “natural” progression seems to end; it seems to take slightly different forms for everyone but the general form seems pretty consistent. I personally have a fear of stasis but I’m (ever so slowly) learning to conquer it.

I’m glad that you all are able to take comfort in being a family; both you and Josh seem to have a determination that will get you through this and things will look up for the three of you soon.

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nikki says:
Nov 14, 2011 11:46 am

MORE BABIES!!

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liz says:
Nov 14, 2011 11:50 am

HA!

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Koru Kate {Koru Wedding} says:
Nov 14, 2011 2:46 pm

All of us get lost sometimes- you can & will find your way! Hope, never lose hope.

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jehara says:
Nov 15, 2011 8:42 am

I find it interesting when people assume because when one is married their life is all figured out now. I love being married, but I’m still chugging along trying to figure out what I am going to do with this life of mine. But having a partner who is there with me every step of the way definitely makes me feel braver, and the figuring out part feel a bit easier.

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Becca says:
Nov 17, 2011 4:23 pm

As J and I both venture into the unknown, where our lives will focus more on tomorrow than the completely unknown of next year, this really resonated. The only think I know is that I have J. Everything else is up in the air. All progression gone. But I’m holding on tight to him and to reminders like this. It will be hard. It will be confusing. But like a cliche come to life, if you have love, nothing else matters. (Or at least, it matters less than it might.) Thank you.

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