It’s funny how your “most embarrassing moment” can be the topic of conversation. Isn’t it bad enough that it already happened once? Do we need to drudge up the pain and humiliation all over again in the middle of an otherwise lovely conversation?
APPARENTLY. Otherwise, I wouldn’t have a blogpost this morning.
Maybe there’s something cathartic in telling a bunch of friends all about that time you wished you were dead. “TAKE THAT, embarrassment! I’m totally laughing AT you and not with you, the same way that cafeteria full of strangers laughed at me that day twenty years ago!” But, overachiever that I am, I’m not just laughing with friends. I’m laughing with the entire universe aka the internet. SEE, humiliation? That which didn’t kill me made me an oversharer!
I have two moments that I consider my “most embarrassing.” I’ve always been lucky that way. Life deals with me generously, in embarrassing moments as well as unexpected layoffs.
The first of the “most embarrassings” was when I was in second grade.
We had a picnic. Only, it was an “indoor picnic,” which in retrospect seems to me the least fun picnic idea ever imagined. A picnic minus the outside? I call that lunch. And, well, yes. Okay, I find lunch to be rather exciting. But, to call eating at your desk a “picnic” just seems to me false advertising.
This indoor picnic was sort of a big deal, and I was wearing a poofy, fluffy dress (and looking adorable, if you must know). But, right before picnic fun began, the teacher asked, “Does anyone need to use the bathroom?”
Being both a second grader and Liz, I was really embarrassed admitting that I had, you know, a normally functioning digestive tract. At eight, my singular goal in life was for no one to ever know that I did anything as embarrassing as use the bathroom. I juggled the idea in my head, should I admit to needing to pee, or risk making a puddle on the floor? before letting my hand timidly raise.
No one else’s did.
“Alright Elizabeth, go to the bathroom. We’ll wait til you get back.”
NO PRESSURE OR ANYTHING. Everyone’s just waiting for this indoor picnic fun to begin, but you know, take your time PEEING, as if that’s not gross and weird enough.
So, I ran, my little maryjanes clicking down the hall, spun into the bathroom, and handled my delicate business quickly. The only thing more embarrassing than needing to pee might be needing to acknowledge that necessity to an entire room of immature eight year olds. And the only thing worse than that is when they’re all waiting for you to finish, already, so they can start with that insane picnic partay.
I hurriedly washed my hands (hygiene, people), and ran back down the hall to class.
As I entered the room, the entire class burst into laughter, including the teacher.
My fluffy, special indoor-picnic skirt was tucked into the front of my little girl undies.
TOP IT, I DARE YOU. What was your most embarrassing moment?
(Maybe I’ll even share Most Embarrassing Moment Number Two with you since this was clearly Number One, PUN INTENDED.)