Lately, we’ve been talking about a hypothetical second baby.
Not for right now, but eventually. When bills are paid on schedule, we have health insurance, and I’m no longer washing laundry at mom’s to save money (to be fair, I might never stop doing that. Her fabric softener smells really nice.)
But we’re actually nearing that time more quickly than anticipated, and as a result, we’re talking about babies in a much more deliberate way than makes me comfortable.
Because Little J showed up about five years earlier than scheduled, he sort of changed the entire plan. All of the reasons for waiting five years are now moot (thanks, kiddo!), and he’s started that baby avalanche. I’m not hoping for kids that are ten, twelve years apart and we’d like to have a few, so if baby-making time is now, let’s get it all out of the way at once, yeah?
Oddly, I think I’m just as reluctant this time as I would’ve been if we, you know, were thinking and planning about it the first time. I always counted it a blessing that we didn’t have the chance to sit and ponder if we did or didn’t want to have a baby and should it be now. He just took it upon himself to show up when it best suited him. Didn’t really ask permission or check for anyone else’s opinion, which, as it turns out, seems to be his way in handling most things. We were pushed into the pool. I sincerely doubt I would’ve ever been able to make that decision to jump or not to jump. It seems too huge, with so many factors and unknowns.
But I guess I wasn’t spared anything. Here I am, wondering if this is a good idea or not, and if so, if the timing is right.
The sad, selfish, but real truth is that I’m not looking forward to being pregnant again. It wasn’t anything outside the normal realm of human discomfort. But it also wasn’t fun fun, party all the time. I’m dreading putting myself through that all over again (this time, willingly), when it feels like I just finished a round of that nonsense. I’m not eager to sign up for nine months of various levels of “uncomfortable.”
The other really interesting (to me, at least) reason I’m reluctant is that I start to get sentimental pangs about life changing. I have a fear that I’ll lose a piece of Little Josh if I have one more thing to focus my attention on. How crazy is that? For every single major life change, I’ve faced this weird question of what parts of my already wonderful life I’d lose. When I was getting married, I worried I’d lose myself. When having a baby, I worried I’d lose time with my husband, and now that I’ve done both of those things and managed to hold onto the important stuff, I’m worried hypothetical baby #2 will mean I lose time with the baby I already have. Logically, I can scoff at my idiocy. But that doesn’t change the emotions of the thing. Friggin emotions.
This time around, it’s completely unexpected for me. I guess I’d assumed that since the first kid didn’t screw anything up too bad (other than that wall where I can’t get the pen scribbles off), I wouldn’t worry so much about the next time around. Turns out, just because one baby didn’t turn out to be demon spawn sent from hell to sever all of my ties with human civilization, doesn’t mean I’m convinced all babies will leave me as lucky. I might enjoy hanging out with this first guy, but that doesn’t guarantee I’ll like hanging out with the second, does it? And further, what if being forced to hang out with that second, possibly unlikable jerk of a baby doesn’t leave me time for the baby I already know I like? I know I can handle this mom-of-one nonsense (two if we count Salvador. I do.), but what if I can’t handle more?
It’s all stupid. I even tell myself that. Self, you’re being stupid. Duh, things will change. Obviously, priorities will shift. But we’ve had practice keeping the big things in their place while still piling on more big things. And it’s worked out mostly okay every time, with just a smidge of adjusting and recalibrating. So knock it off.
I just find it incredible that this same, old, sorry thought process kicks back into gear whenever we talk about life change of every sort. I guess I hadn’t figured that a mom could be baby ambivalent. I sort of stun myself with my thorough insistence to be worried about things that I logically know are fine.
It is certainly a privileged question. I’ll jump ahead of you and call me on that. But, the piling on of blessings seems to inherently entail the piling on of responsibilities, and it’s that second part that I’m not too keen on.
It seems to be the misery of being really super fortunate. In the same way that there was a sort of special time to being single, or to being newlyweds, it feels like this time of having just one little pal is special unto itself. When things are already really lovely, it makes sense to fear throwing a wrench in the works. Even if that wrench is really, really cuddly.
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Oct 8, 2012 9:08 am
You know, I always wonder how people decide when to have more than one kid. First kid makes sense, you had always agreed to have children. But the second kid, I find myself wondering bizarre things like “oh the first adorable nugget wasn’t enough for you?” And I’m the third child of three! And hope to have more than one kid! Ha.
Oct 8, 2012 9:47 am
Haha it’s been sort of mathematical? We know we want more than one, and we don’t want too many diapers at once, but we want to fit them all in before I’m like 40. So, 2-3 years spacing seems about right. I guess?
Oct 8, 2012 9:59 am
I meant this rhetorically, not “how did YOU decide”. My comment seems pushy when read that way! Oops.
Oct 8, 2012 10:54 am
I didn’t read it as pushy! I just did that gross thing where someone says something general and you respond by telling Your Story and making it all about you. My bad.
Oct 8, 2012 9:45 am
I think we are only having one, but you know who makes me want to have more? Girl Gone Child. I see such joy in her kids individuality and, especially, in their relationships with one another. I can’t imagine having a toddler and a new baby, but sometimes I see families with 2 little girls (maybe 6 and 8 or thereabouts) walking down the street, and I think “that looks nice”. So who knows… Such a hard decision. Can we do this again? How will it work? When will we be ready? I know that whatever or whenever you guys decide your kid(s) are going to be lucky kid(s).
Oct 8, 2012 11:03 am
The little playmates aspect is super appealing. I haven’t read much from Girls Gone Child, but I keep hearing good things. Maybe I’ll carve out some time this week to take a peek.
Oct 8, 2012 11:25 am
Big second to Girl Gone Child. I also feel that way, to an extent, about Dinner: A Love Story. The two girls seem so adventurous and interested but still very distinct personalities.
Oct 8, 2012 7:02 pm
Girls Gone Child makes me want to have a big family (she has four kids) even though I only ever wanted 2, maybe 3. Definitely read her blog, she’s a great writer and I kind of want to be her when I grow up.
Oct 10, 2012 10:32 pm
Her blog makes me nostalgic for my own childhood (I’m the oldest of 6, though no twins – and it really was awesome having so many playmates).
Oct 8, 2012 10:05 am
“the piling on of blessings seems to inherently entail the piling on of responsibilities.”
THIS. I’m not inherently responsibility-averse, but the older/more stable my life is, I seem to lean more toward maintaining the status quo. I still want kids, and I still want cats and dogs and goats and chickens and maybe someday a pony, but when I consider what all that entails, and how content I am right now, it’s easy to think, “Not now. Someday.” Even though, as you say, the blessings always turn out to be better than you could have imagined. But now? Right now seems pretty good, and the threat that it could somehow get worse as I add responsibilities makes me treasure Now a little more. Even if Now would almost certainly be improved by a cat. Almost certainly ;)
Oct 8, 2012 11:03 am
We are spoiled in our comfortable contentment, Miss Erin.
Oct 8, 2012 5:22 pm
YES. This struck a chord too!! Though mine manifests more immaturely…”MORE stuff? That’s just more shit I have to dust! Another baby?!? I suppose I have to feed that one TOO….”
Oct 8, 2012 10:07 am
My mom had my brother when I was one and a half. By all accounts I was a “perfect, easy baby” UNTIL THE COMPETITION CAME ALONG. Then I tuned into a psycho, baby smothering monster & my brother was a REALLY HARD (sick, leg deformity, seizures) baby. So yeah. DONT BE FOOLED BY LITTLE J.
My brother told me he had two kids because “your sibling is the only person you can really count on in life.” Aw.
I think 2 years apart is ideal, actually. Justin and I are super close. 3 years apart with Eli & Ira is really hard, but hopefully when they’re older they’ll get along more. I’ve seen it really mess up Ira’s natural personality – he’s gentle and sweet but ends up acting tough or angry because he feels so beat up by his brother. :(
Anyway, yammering. Have another baby. Then have one more for me. I just want one! No problem!!
Oct 8, 2012 11:04 am
First you tell me horror stories, then you tell me to have a baby?!
Oct 8, 2012 11:28 am
We started getting along around age 12. It’ll be fineeeee!
Oct 8, 2012 10:39 am
This is so interesting Liz! Thanks for sharing your mental processing with us.
I never thought of unplanned pregnancy as a blessing. But I can see it has benefits the way you laid it out.
I’m afraid that I will never quite get over all the analytical, logistical worries and be able to just do it. I get a sick feeling just thinking about all the changes and responsibilities. Plus sometimes I’m not emotionally available enough to meet my dog’s needs….
Oct 8, 2012 10:57 am
Ha, Andee! I had a small meltdown about that when I was first pregnant! I thought, “I’m not a good mom to SALVADOR. THE CAT. How am I gonna do with a BABY??”
Oct 8, 2012 11:49 am
Ooh, the unplanned thing definitely appeals to me (I mean, as long as it happens within a fairly specific window of convenience and preparedness… so I guess I’m really not that cool with the unplanned concept), BUT there is something very freeing in just having the burden of choice grabbed right out of your hands!
Oct 8, 2012 10:43 am
This was a great read, Liz!
My sisters and I are ten and twelve years apart – something that I’m seeing more and more lately in blended families – and I have LOVE LOVE LOVED that age gap. I would ideally like to create a decade spanning-family myself someday, but goodness it takes a lot of energy and oh wait I’m already too old. Whoops.
(oh my I love that picture!)
Oct 8, 2012 10:57 am
Neat! Josh has a pretty large gap between himself and his brother and sister. My mom is ten years younger than my aunt. It’s worked out fabulously in both situations, so I’m not sure why I’m opposed to it. I guess there’s something sort of endearing about little playmates.
Oct 8, 2012 11:18 am
We are most likely just having Zoe. No more. But I see what Carrie says about siblings. And what you say about no guarantees. Sooo. For us the decision is mostly age and lifestyle related. My husband will be 40 in a few months and I turn 36 in days. And we want to have money to travel and free time to ourselves so one seems most doable for our selfish reasons. And like you I am not ready to be a pregnant person again. Probably never will be.
Oct 8, 2012 11:55 am
Ha, we both wrote about babies today! Except your blog is always so, like, thoughtful and nuanced and deep. Mine contains text message screenshots. Hah.
ANYWAY. For some reason, maybe because I have dear step-siblings and therefore embrace the blood-doesn’t-make-you-family concept, I have always felt inclined to adopt a kid. And probably also have my own kid – though being pregnant sounds mostly not so fun to me, so I think I’d only like to do that once.
The potential adoption question throws all the planning questions into overdrive, since it can’t exactly just happen accidentally. How many? From where? When? What age? In what order, relative to biological kid(s)? The options and factors are dizzying. And I haven’t even begun to think seriously about the situation yet, so who knows what I am in for!
Oct 8, 2012 12:05 pm
Yeah, we’re planning to adopt, too! Even more complex a planning process.
Oct 8, 2012 12:08 pm
Cool! We have a lot of friends who have done so in different ways but with really good reasons – adopting 4 kids then having a baby, having a baby then adopting 2 kids, adopting 1 while trying to get pregnant, just adopting 3… it’s all very complicated.
Oct 8, 2012 2:21 pm
There are 5 kids in my family and #4 is adopted (he is, biologically, my first cousin). I think it helped him to have a few older siblings to help him fight the, ‘why don’t you look like everyone else’ battles as a kid (and there were more than a few, sadly). I think it also helped that there were more than just him and 1 other kid, so that when the youngest would throw the ‘you’re not my real brother’ barb at him (common when they were younger), there was always another sibling to step in. It’s an interesting dynamic. We also had a handful of foster kids go through our home when I was younger. I’m grateful for the experience. It taught me a lot about what family is.
Oct 8, 2012 12:45 pm
My brother and I are 27 months apart and I liked having a sibling around my same age. We didn’t play together all that much once we were in grade school but I do have really fond memories of our chats in the dark as we were falling asleep. We shared a room until I was in third grade. After that we both had bedrooms on the main floor and we could talk to each other away from my parents. It was nice to have a buddy.
Oct 8, 2012 1:38 pm
My sister and I are 15 months apart (my poor mom). I absolutely loved it. It was nice in high school having a family member around, it was like being in a tiny gang.
There is a closeness that you can only ever share with a sibling; something about the vast shared experiences spanning and entire childhood that glues you together.
Oct 10, 2012 2:40 pm
I second this! I was born 5 days after my brother’s first birthday (most assuredly an accident) and I loved having a sibling everyone thought was my twin growing up. We still have sleepovers at each others’ houses, especially on Christmas Eve
Oct 8, 2012 2:04 pm
C is all about the ONE KID only. Hippie. I’m the fourth of seven, so I see both the pros and cons of it. I tease him that I’m holding out for twins so that we can settle that question in one go. :) And for some reason (I mean this as a compliment) I’d always pictured you and Josh having several kids and rocking each of them. C has these super cool friends and they just announced to us that they’re getting started on their second soon and hoping for six or ten. And they’re not crazy at all, and I really like them! Turns out several kids can happen to badass tattooed artists who could kill me with one hand (no, really).
I think everything you’re looking at is mega smart and just helps you know what areas to watch and prepare for. But I’m the person with the Boy Scout purse, so maybe I’m manic about preparation?
Oct 8, 2012 2:13 pm
My siblings and I are all 4 years apart, except for the oldest 2 who are 3. I think 4 years felt really big, and since there are 5 of us, it means the oldest and youngest are 15 years apart. None of us are really close. From what I’ve seen around me, 2 years always seemed like the perfect gap. Close enough to be friends, but far enough to allow them to be their own people. Whatever you decide, I know you and Josh are going to do great.
Oct 8, 2012 5:19 pm
I’m an only child (well, I have a half-sister I didn’t grow up with and only met when I was 18, so pretty much an only child) and Jethro has a sister, so this whole sibling thing is WEIRD to me. I have always wanted more than one child, but the thought of being pregnant again makes me wary too. Jethro made a joke about “Irish twins” one day when the baby was a couple weeks old and I nearly threw up at the thought…
But what really got me was your comment about how it might take away from Little Josh. I SO feel like that, like if I were to be pregnant so soon that all of the wonder I feel at Tater’s every little thing might be overshadowed. Not because I would love him less, but I feel like it’d be hard to be delighted over minor milestones while I was busy making another one. (and possibly miserable. Pregnancy is great and horrid.) Then again, maybe that’s the only kid in me, not being a fan of sharing.
Though, in my defense, I was an EXCELLENT sharer as a child. It’s a skill I have lost as an adult. (MINE.)
Oct 9, 2012 2:21 am
My best friend’s sister is having Irish Twins (due date of #2 is the week of #1′s first birthday) and when I heard that, I panicked so hard. I also immediately bought a pregnancy test and scheduled an IUD, because NO.
Oct 9, 2012 11:28 am
My dad was born March 4, 1948. My aunt Margaret was born March 2, 1949. I thought it was the coolest thing ever as a kid and now I wonder how my grandmother found the gumption to have seven more after that.
Oct 8, 2012 9:26 pm
How cute is that picture! I can’t wait until my babe is old enough to make art!
I always thought I’d have at least two children. And I still think siblings are wonderful. And now after almost 5 months the discomforts of pregnancy and my truly awful birthing experience have faded into “that wasn’t really so bad” (for me. My husband seems to remember much more clearly and is rather firmly in the single child camp. We will see…). But I so know what you mean about worrying about missing the moments with the one precious baby. Also, one baby takes so much time, I can’t imagine dealing with two!
Oct 9, 2012 2:25 am
We’re planning the second already, kind of to my surprise. I’m more than 4 years older than my sister, and that was too much. David’s like 18 months older than his sister, and that’s too little. Our current plan is to start trying to time them +2 years apart (so, uh, next fall) and see what happens.
It’s funny – now that I have one (one that I struggled mightily to come to terms with), I totally want a second. Because no one in your life will ever truly GET your childhood the way a sibling does. And frankly, I need my sister to help balance my mother’s … challengingness. Jess might need one of those too, someday.
Oct 9, 2012 12:56 pm
“I sincerely doubt I would’ve ever been able to make that decision to jump or not to jump. It seems too huge, with so many factors and unknowns.”
YEAH. THIS IS WHERE I’M AT NOW. Where I’ve been at for over a year, actually, and it sucks. I am so reluctant to be pregnant the first time that it’s really holding me back from starting the process. But I’ll be 32 in November, so shiz is gettin’ realer, yo. If we want to have two kids, and I want to be more or less done having them by 35/36 (provided the process even works for us, of course), we have to get on it NOW. I just… can’t, though. I can’t bring myself to shatter my quiet, complacent, enjoyable life. One that includes raw fish and whiskey and a complete lack of being kicked in my internal organs.
Man. I hear you that it’s privileged. It’s still a hard mental grapple, though. Good luck.
Oct 29, 2012 9:46 pm
Me too. Though we are unsure in general. (And I am older than your cut-off goal.) Sigh… I dunno. I keep waiting for the urge to kick in…
Oct 10, 2012 8:49 pm
I love this post, and totally relate to it. My husband and I are in the same situation, and it’s really, really challenging, especially for a think-too-much person like me!
Oct 10, 2012 10:41 pm
I feel like I completely relate to what you’re describing, which is funny when you think about it as I have 0 kids and am keeping it that way. But I’m always afraid to rock the boat… even when I have reassurance from the past that I will quickly adapt and grow to love the new normal. I have no idea how people go about deciding these things rationally… my parents didn’t use BC, which !!! but in some sense, I suppose it simplifies things (not that I’m necessarily recommending this route LOL).
Oct 11, 2012 7:56 am
Ha, honestly, after our “accident,” I wonder if that’s not just simpler. Let the chips fall where they may, etc.
Oct 22, 2012 1:19 am
I have a 13-week old son & a 2 year-old daughter (they’re 23 months apart). To be totally honest, it’s a really legitimate concern about the baby you now have getting less time and attention (and I might say less of their babyhood). There are simply a finite number of hours in the day and newborns are SO needy! Don’t get me wrong: I think this was absolutely the right choice for us (we wanted our daughter to have at least 1 sibling–maybe 2–and I was 33 when she was born, so we’re on the clock), and it’s incredible to see her doting on her brother and she’s a great helper, but it’s also harder (physically and in terms of my patience when both kiddos are crying) than I’d fully anticipated. (Then again, if I’d fully anticipated the harder parts, we might’ve stopped with one.)
(Gah! This sounds really anti- more kids and I don’t mean it to be. Going from 0-1 is similar to going from 1-2: it’s really challenging at times, but you make it work because it’s what you committed to, and the good stuff is reallyreallyreally good. I’ve already had thoughts of, “well maybe we’ll have a birth control fail in 18 months or so and won’t have to actively make a decision about a 3rd,” which is the beginning of a slippery slope to more babies. So obviously not *that* terrible. And obviously this is all just our experience and may not apply equally to everyone everywhere.)
Oct 22, 2012 11:14 am
Honestly, wouldn’t that be the “easiest”?? I wonder the same. Let’s just skip on the birth control and let biology make these hard decisions for us.